I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead

Update (2013): Although issues have not been resolved from doing the work, there have been movements in areas that have been stagnant for years. Movements that are causing me to "work" them and movements that are causing me to make different decisions. I wish I could say that the "work" is a quick fix miracle cure, but I cannot. I would best describe the work as a slow way to change how the mind works and processes events in your life. You still will need something else to facilitate the big change.Update (1 year later): I tend to use "The WORK" for most negative issues in my life. For some of the issues, I see a shift. For others that are deeply embedded, I don't see a shift. The flaw with THE WORK is that it doesn't work if you had something happen to you that really caused you great upset. Your mind just doesn't change abuse processing or mistreatment by asking four questions.I recently went on a wellness retreat and it was the WORK that got me through the retreat which was 7 days with no phone, no tvs, and no internet. I would have lost my mind, but for the WORK. I find that ironic since the retreat is what was supposed to be helping me.In summary, the work is great for surface issues. The work is not good for abuse, mistreatment, or making a shift in areas of your life that are causing you great frustration.I also want to add that I have a facilitator that I have worked with exclusively during the year. She is understanding of not doing turnarounds that blame you and she really is understanding of your frustration with a certain situation.-----------------------------------------------------------ORIGINAL REVIEWThis author was suggested to me after I paid a large sum of money for another program. When I kept stating that their program was not working, they suggested that I read books by BYRON KATIE. After learning of the WORK, I am curious as to how this other program could just hijack her work and claim theirs is better when Katie's work is simplier and gets the same results at a much cheaper price. Anyway.------------------------------------------------I first bought the audio, but decided to buy the book so I could have it as a reference. In my honest opinion, THE WORK has to be heard. You need to hear the four questions and the application to be able to use it on yourself. Whenever I am in the car, I listen to the AUDIO of this book and I learn a little bit more each time. THE WORK is truly an amazing concept. I have used EFT, hypnosis, and countless other things and the results have been slow if at all. With THE WORK, I can be sitting in a stressful situation and I'll just WRITE THE TRUTH to the 4 questions and by the time I get to the turnaround I am relaxed.Yesterday, I was at a meeting and when I got to the meeting I was VERY UPSET. I refused to do any EFT or THE WORK because I wanted to stew in the anger. After a while, I just got tired of being angry and wrote down the answers to the four questions. The next thing I knew I was focused on the meeting and not upset anymore.Now, the upset about the issue came back while I was in bed trying to sleep, but I truly feel that is because I kept trying to focus on it to make myself upset which I was able to do. Although I haven't done the 4 questions on the current upset, the questions would go something like this:Belief: I am upset because ________________ is trying to ____________________Is this true?YesAbsolutely true?Well, I don't know for sureWith this thought? I can't sleep; I am stressed; I am upsetWithout this thought? I could care less; I am at peace; I am relaxedTurnaround: I am not upset because I don't know for sure that ____________ is trying to __________________._________________ is upset with me because I am trying to ______________________and so on...I still am not that good with the turnarounds but I am hoping to work with a facilitator to try to get better at the turnarounds, but as it stands THE WORK is a great concept.As for the book itself, it is not organized so you can easily find the questions and the analysis is not so easy to find. I went to a site of Byron Katie and downloaded the materials. I suggest you do the same rather than buy the book. Then, after you have the materials GET THE AUDIO of this book.Byron Katie is one of those book authors that truly seems to be making a difference and, though she is making a bit of money during her "events" she still offers a LOT OF STUFF for free and you can just tell her heart is in THE WORK.

I only give this and "Loving What Is" four stars rather than five, because I found at times Byron Katie a little too literal for me. The practice of loving what is takes work, but in real life who has time to sit down and write out these questions to every delusional or untrue thought and then answer them? I don't. And sometimes i think a person who has trauma from a think like a rape or being caught in a war is going to be shell-shocked and changed because of it. In my view this author trivializes a little too much or disregards the simple fact that human beings are animals and despite our domestication of ourselves, we still carry around the baggage of animal instinct. Yes our emotions are driven by our thoughts, but they are also driven by instinct. I am a survivor of abuse & to this day loud sounds or someone yelling has me cringing, if not in my head, then physically. Do I think a thought that makes me cringe? No. It is instinct. Fight or flight. Survival. These things also drive our feelings and emotions too.However, I find the principals of Ms. Katie's Work very helpful, and I find I can slow my thoughts down or hit the brakes on my thoughts by simply questioning "now, is that true?"I was delighted to discover Byron Katie for the reason that here is an author who had the exact same kind of harmful thought habits and patterns that have tortured me all my life. What an inspiration it is for someone in my position to read these books and have this example of healing--to see and be able to believe it's possible and can happen for me too. Another encouraging thing about reading these books, I came very quickly to realize I am not unique, I am not alone. So many people have these same stumbling blocks, the delusion that things SHOULD be other than what they are, the notion that they are not complete human beings unless external somethings are all lined up just right. The idea that I can't be happy unless (fill in blank) happens or unless (fill in blank) likes me, or appreciates me, or notices me, or accepts me or approves. This is my whole life, what has driven me from childhood until now. Starting with my mother, and the constant battle to score enough points & win her love. Now in my adult life if I like someone more than that someone likes me it's like reliving the thing with my mother. It shatters my self esteem. I have no worth, I am nothing, and my world doesn't feel right until I manipulate things to be the way I want--this person liking me more. Except they never do, and I sink even more into the rabbit hole, as one friend described it.All I can say is, reading Byron Katie has changed my life for the better. Despite some of the things I disagree with (and which two people agree on everything???), Ms. Katie has a remarkable glimpse of what IS true, and where our happiness really comes from. It's not from other people. It's not from this or this happening. It's entirely internal and inside of us, and it doesn't even take that much to understand this. Ms. Katie speaks in her writing like all the rest of us do, very clearly and so easy to understand that it's like a flashlight shining into a dark dusty corner making me wonder to myself why I didn't see all this before, it makes so much sense.

I read "Loving What Is" a few years ago and really connected to Katie's teachings, but didn't feel compelled to actually do The Work. I liked the idea but just filed it away in my mind for some other time. I had seen "I Need Your Love…." on bookshelves but never picked it up because I thought my relationships were fine. Lol. A couple of months ago, while going through some very intense life situations, I found "I Need Your Love…." and bought it. This time I devoured the book—every page and passage felt so relevant to me. I ordered some of BK's audiobooks ("Your Inner Awakening" is the best, IMO) and listened to them in the car. Then I found a Certified Practitioner of The Work in my area and have been going to weekly sessions with her ever since.I'm so grateful to have found The Work at just the right time. It's great to read about, hear about, or see (lots of great Youtube videos out there) people doing The Work with BK directly, but actually doing it yourself is amazing. For me it's really, really helpful to work with a Certified Facilitator, because she helps me really take the time to inquire deeply into each thought, whereas when I do it on my own I tend to rush through it and jump to the turnarounds.For me, this is one of the most vibrant and true spiritual books I've ever read (and I've read oh so many—everything from Eckhart Tolle to Nisargadatta) and I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to learn how to drop the masks of ego identity and be clear, honest, vulnerable, authentic and truly compassionate in their interactions with others.

The think with these books is to be gentle patient and take it as you can when you can.I had it a long time before getting into it and then once I read around it, looked at the web site, listened to reviews and watched utube snippts and listened to audios, I got the message and had the patience to read the book.A nice philosophy of living with and not challenging everything you encounter but in even the most negative situation, looking for the positive side, taking responsibility for own and actions and not being expectant...I like this work and use it in my life and to encourage others. Always used similar philosophies in my rehabilitation and coaching/ nursing work.

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Bryon Katie has the amazing talent of cutting through to the truth. Her method of investigation (called "The Work") really works. I have read quite a few books on relationship, self-help, psychology and spirituality but this one really stands out for me. She empowers people to be responsible for their own beliefs, their own feelings and their own lives. I would highly recommend this book.

Her books helped me tremendously to understand the impact of my own thoughts and beliefs on my reactions and feelings. Before her, I never questioned the veracity of what I believed and perceived. I have found her method particularly helpful when combined with the writings/lectures by Pema Chodron.